Restless half bucket

I've been feeling extremely depressed these few days. And being depressed makes me ponder life and what it's about. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, the beauty of something is when it does what it is made to do. That's perfection. So, when we do what God intended for us to do, that's when we are in line with His plan, and beautiful. Which brings me to my frustration. What am I intended for?

I've always known that I had too many interests. There's nothing wrong with that, or is there? Is it because I'm too fickle? Moved by every whim and fancy? Or is my attention span too short? The reason why I avoid playing chess, flip through the papers without reading any article completely, start many books but seldom finish them AND have many hobbies and interest but never specialise in anything.

This is my frustration. I am an bucket that's half empty (or full, if you're an optimist) in every area of my life. Let me give you some examples.

1. I am a Christian, but don't know my Bible well enough. Well, you can say no one will ever know everything about the Word of God, it's a life long process that doesn't end until we see Him face to face BUT I still don't know as much as I should. I just know enough.

2. I studied electronics. This one is easy. The only thing I remember from college are the pranks I played and some friends I made.

3. My passion is audio. Ok, confession... was. I don't know enough to answer some questions my customers ask and just don't have the drive to explore and the new stuff that's out there. Sure, ask me about tape machines and sound waves. I can give you a 3 hour lecture on each topic, but that's all I know now. Some fragments of theory that I remember because I was so passionate then and also had the priviledege of teaching later.

4. Can I play guitar? Depends on who asks. To some I say, yeah, just a bit. To others, I say, nah... All I have is some rhythmn, a bunch of chords and my strumming.

5. Excercise! I love it. Climbing? Ah... the joy of cramped forearms and bleeding fingers. What happened? Haven't been climbing for ages. Mountain biking? Ah, the thrill of speeding down a single track after a killer climb. What happened? Sold my bike for lack of cash and have never been able to get a new one (for lack of cash). Capoeira? Ah... the beauty of the capoeiristas they move together in a roda. The sense of achievement from aching muscles and blistered feet. What happened? Always felt a little left out cos I couldn't commit as much as I would have liked to. And, belt tightening procedures. Hiking? Ah... the feeling of being close to nature and conquering another trail. But how many trails have I been on? How often do I hike? Scarcely enough to be called a hiker.

6. Reptiles. Facinating creatures that are so often misunderstood. Where do I stand? Just a passing enthusiast? Don't know enough to talk shop with the guys. Don't know because I'm not really interested enough to know their latin names.

So, there you have it. Some examples to proof that I'm a jack of all trades and master of none. I told my boss yesterday that I wanted to just sit in the workshop and repair guitars. To be able to work with my hands and do something well. That is the fulfilment in a job. I don't want to be a half bucket all my life. Well, he says that that exactly what he needs and why I have my job. Just like the captain of the ship doesn't man the engine or do the work of the gunner, but knows enough to give them orders. That's what he hired me for. (His example, not mine).

So, IS there hope for a half bucket? You tell me....