Not in my power

Are you disturbed by something someone is doing? Or frustrated by somebody's attitude towards you? Or saddened by how another person is treating you? Let me share something that I have learnt...

Excerpt taken from my journal...

"I have to learn however, that I am in no position to control or dictate how others treat me. Even those closest to me. I can only really be responsible for my own actions and decisions. I can only commit these feelings to the Lord and trust that He knows and understands. And then leave it in His hands..."

Baby Brother

Just thought of my little brother again today...  Don't have much recollection of him except for a photo of me shirtless and grinning at the camera with him in the background... and another of me biting his foot...

I wonder what Pa and Mummy went through it and how they grieved over the loss... I wonder how long it took them to heal... I wonder how those around them reacted and/or supported them...

I wonder how things would be different if he were still around... I wonder what he would have been like and what we would be doing together, or not... Would he be taller than me? Fatter? Sportier? Nerdier? Goody two shoes or crazy? I guess I'll never know... I guess he'll always be my baby brother since he never had a chance to grow up... :|

Judge Dread

How easy it is for us to have strong opinions about people and things. How often we immediately voice our 'holier than thou' positions without even stopping to check other sides of a story or if what we heard was the truth. How dangerous it is for us to judge and form opinions on people and matters. 

Sometimes we may have very strong ideals about a certain issue without ever having experienced it or talked sincerely with people who have gone through such situations.

O may we not judge but seek to know and understand, and care in sincere love.

Eulogy

I'm at Betsy's dad's funeral now. Really touched by what she shared. I wonder what people will remember me for when I go. What legacy will I leave behind? How many lives would I have touched? Indeed we are but like vapor...

The dream vs reality

Here we stand, here we are

With all our wounds and battle scars

From all the storms and all the wars we’ve weathered alone

We had no way of knowing when

We started way back there and then

How the road would twist and turn and bend

We just thought we belonged with each other

And if it wasn’t for God’s mercy and His grace

There’s no way we would be standing in this place

But even though He has been faithful

Every step along the way

Here we are but not together

There'll be no climbing mountains ever

Since the hopes are dashed and so are plans

And if you won't reach out and hold my hand

We'll never watch miracles unfold forever

And never get to crawl on hands and knees

Through valleys cold and dark and deep

To prove that we were meant to live our lives together

And if it wasn’t for God’s mercy and His grace

There’s no way we would be standing in this place

But even though He has been faithful

Every step along the way

Here we are but not together

And if it wasn’t for God’s mercy and His grace

There’s no way we would be standing in this place

But because He has been faithful

Every step along the way

All I long for is for us to be together

I hurt therefore I am...

Heartache is a very real pain. I do not understand how the emotional can affect the physical in such a way. Nor do I have any scientific evidence to proof it. A tightening of the chest, you take a deep breath and hope it goes away but there is a dull ache just where you imagine your heart is...

spiritual coma...

... not dead, not quite alive either... i guess the warning signs have been blaring all along but one just gets caught up in living (or not) and doing... busy with this and that and it never really ends. does it?

"one doesn't live by feelings!" how often i have told myself that. And others too. But feelings are put there to so we know what's going on... how often i have argued that if i stop serving i would just drift and get lost... and that it is the service that is keeping me on my toes... failing to see that it is the connection to the Vine that feeds and nourishes us that keeps us alive and fruitful... plus, i don't know how detrimental serving on empty really is to the work... "what's going to happen? how will they manage?" We need to remember that it is the Lord's work and He has His plans. He has also called for His disciples to "come aside... and rest awhile"



... rest... in... peace... :)

turbulence...

The past four weeks have been challenging for me, to say the least... i have experienced new emotions and feelings that are definitely firsts... although i am glad the worse is over (or so i hope), i also do not want to ever forget the pain and hurt... because it is only through this that i will learn (hopefully) to love more the One who hurt for me and keep myself from hurting others, to cherish the love that i posses and to work at developing and nurturing it...
I guess there comes a time in life where one has to take a step back and re-evaluate things... a shifting of ideals and principles and learning to see what is really important... it's really strange how one can be just going on in life and busy with so many things that i feel that everything's ok... until the warning lights blink and you suddenly realise that things aren't right and you've been living in oblivion all along...
And it's going to take a long and purposeful process to right the wrong (if possible) and get things back on course but i'm sure by God's grace that things will be for the better and with His enabling it will be to His glory...
The support, prayer and encouragement extended by friends and family have been tremendous and my heart is grateful...

oh let me never, never, abuse such dying love...

the One who came to woo His bride,
and gave His life to make her right;
O, how His heart must hurt and bleed,
when she refuses, His will to heed.

How sweet when she declares her love,
in total submission to Him above;
And rests content in His embrace,
and basks in the sunshine of His gaze.

6.9.13

the only constant is change.

what makes me, me and what makes you, you? i mean, what is the essence of who we are? we recognise each other by how we look, but looks can change no? if tomorrow i get into an accident and get disfigured, i do not cease to be me, do i? the person inside is still the same right? if i lose a limb and can no longer walk the way i used to, i'm still me right? so, what we are externally doesn't define who we really are... what does then? our character? our ideologies? our beliefs? our principles? our likes and dislikes? the skills we have or don't? the more i consider this, the more i am convinced that i am nothing but the past and present... everything i am can change... for better or worse (but who defines that?) then i'll be what i am not, but that will be what i am then... 

what?!




...for better, for worse?

detour

I missed a turn on the way to work this morning. After shouting at myself for being an idiot, i resigned to the fact that i had to drive 14km to make a u-turn. Whatsapped my colleagues and pottered on in the trusty civic. Surely this mistake would have been more enjoyable in the alfa. Weather was overcast and cool so i decided to enjoy the ride. As soon as i got out of the highway, i realised i had missed the u-turn and waze told me i had to go another 2.5km to make another. I was in Putrajaya by then and further from office then when i had started off in the morning. Passing a few of the magnificent bridges in the distance, i marvelled at the beauty and grandeur and promised to come back for some photographs. I was enjoying the drive and the scenery inspired thoughtfulness and serenity. 

     Sometimes in life we take wrong turns, and have to bear the consequences but there are always lessons to grasp or beauty to be behold if we allow ourselves the opportunity.