HATE

i hate your procrastination
i hate your indifference
i hate your empty promises
i hate your lies
i hate that i'm resentfull
i hate that my resentment has turned to hate
i hate myself
i hate hate...

Chinese characters contain Bible stories

I have a book that details this, but someone took the time to make it into a flash presentation... quite well done, I must say...

Check it out here

crummy day... so far...

feel really depressed today... maybe blogging about it will help me realise there's not so much to be depressed about... so what's getting me down?

1. got struck by the flu bug on weds, sore throat is worsening today, so generally feel a little sick and tired. just hope cheryl doesnt catch it,

2. microphone that i repaired yesterday refused to work when tested today. only tested today because i didnt have a transmitter to test it with till this morning. so, i had to cut open all my hard work of at least 7 pieces of shrink tube to find that the connection are all fine. bummer, this makes things even worse cause it means something else is causing it to fail,

3. i have to go back to aquaria tonight to work on the project there. this project is a waste of time and energy. already spent 2 whole nights there, once till past midnight and the other till 2.30am. something so straight forward can twist into a complex mess. remind me never to get involved with sound systems that have diving radios and troublesome management in the equation,

4. tze's obi-wan is harder to fix than i expected. just getting the broken part out of his hand took much more brain work than calculated. i hope i dont destroy it. haha, tze just panicked, reading this. dont worry bro, everything's fine, so far...

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SO, on the brighter side of things, i went for a walk and admired some really nice toys. i just love the detail of costumes and accesories on figurines...

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Oh, and watching the sharks and sting rays gliding around tonight should help ease the stress...

Here we go again...

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Unlike my ever-so-wise younger sibling, I never checked the full details of my MyKad when collecting it. Just made sure the name was right and took off. Something about govenrment agencies irritate me.

So, today on the busy, but ever-so-interesting streets of Pasar Road I find the error that I had been living with in happy ignorance... Agama... Buddha... Blast, this means a trip to the ever-so-annoying government department. Well, at least I can call lil sis to ask her how to go about it...

Oh, by the way, I picked up the reader for RM17 so anyone who doesn't want to live in blissful ignorance can check their info, I'll be carrying it around for your sakes...

Car related events I'm really looking forward to... Woohoo!

KLIMS06

CARS - another animated feature by the makers of Finding Nemo and The Incredibles!

Another screen shot from CARS

and last but certainly not least... Fast and Furious comes to Asia!

Lost For Words

When was the last time you said, "Have a nice day!"? I hardly use that phrase anymore. Somehow, nice doesn't seem to cut it anymore. "Oh, that's nice!", or in reply to, "How was it?", "Um, it was nice". These days, nice would mean, "well, yeah... it's ok, not bad, not that good, just... nice."

When something's good and it strikes us, we'd say, "Wow, that was awesome!", or "Amazing! It was simply wonderful!", or "Great! That was super!". So, these days, I just say, "Have a super day!" or "Thanks for the great time!".

But you know what's been bugging me lately? These are exactly the same words we use to describe God. Wonderful. Awesome. Great. Lovely. We use the same words to describe the Almighty, all powerful God as we would a sundae. Either our language has very limited words, or we exaggerate and over use big words that they lose their meaning. Maybe it's because simple words like good, nice, pleasant or fine have lost their power and we need something more dramatic to describe a, well, good experience. Hey, when God saw all He had made, He said it was good. The whole world, Lord? Good? More like, it was da bomb! Amazing! Fantastic! Wonderful! Awesome!

Tough Love

I just learnt this term from a friend recently. Two definitions from the internet are as follows.

Answers.com
tough love
n.
The use of strict disciplinary measures and limitations on freedoms or privileges, as by a parent or guardian, as a means of fostering responsibility and expressing care or concern.

Wikipedia.org
Tough love is an expression used when someone must treat another person harshly in order to help them in the long run. For example, parents refusing to support their drug-addicted child financially until the he or she entered drug rehabilitation would be said to be practicing tough love.

This term seems to be used very widely in helping parents with troubled teens, families with problems where a member of the family is a drug abuser or alcoholic and such. It involves parents or family members coming together to set strict rules or ultimatums for the troubled person. This often drives the individual to be forced to improve or take measures in the right direction. Of course, from the individual's point of view it is the pits and will probably feel like very harsh treatment. However, it has to be done for his/her end good.
Only problem with this is that it may backfire and the family/parents may never see their loved one again. So, there is much debate if tough love is the right step to take.

Which brings me to think about how God treats us. He often allows us to get ourselves into such a rut that we have no choice but to look to Him and learn that lessons that we need to learn. This is proven when we read how time and time again, the children of Israel had to be put into trouble before they cried out to Him. Sigh, how pathetic we humans are. The good thing is that with God, He knows what the outcome is. His plans never backfire.

I love to repeat this. God KNOWS what is best for us, God has the POWER to do what is best for us and God WANTS what is best for us. If He was missing any one of the three points, it would be just too bad...

Problematic People

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those with problems and those without problems. The latter are seriously clueless or plainly in denial, for problems are just part of life. Even the Lord Jesus said, "In this world you will have trouble." So, my first sentence is wrong. But it isn't the fact that life is full of strife that is on my mind today but what people do about it.

One thing I really cannot stand is when someone says, "I'm like that, that just the way I am." And uses that as an excuse. It's one thing to say, "I'm sorry, communicating isn't my greatest strength and I apologise for .... so on and so forth," but using the 'oh, that just the way I am' line as an excuse for something is just totally unacceptable to me.

So, maybe there are 3 kinds of people in the world.
1.Those who don't even realise they have weaknesses,
2. Those who realise their weaknesses and don't do anything about it, and
3. Those who realise their weaknesses and actually do something about it,

I guess the first and most important step towards anything positive is realising and acknowledging that you have a weakness and that it is a problem. Only then can one take measures to correct it, or seek help from someone who knows better.

But which category of people are worse off? Those who don't even think or know that they have a problem? Or those who know they have a problem but don't do anything about it?

Those in category 1 may not even realise the pain and suffering they are causing others by their problem, but is it really their fault? Or they put the blame on others and refuse to see that they are the ones with the problem.

Those in category 2 know that they have a problem but due to fear, procrastination, pride or indifference just fail to do anything about it. Which is worse? You tell me...

What does the Lord say after telling his disciples that they will surely have trouble in this world? He says, "But take heart! I have overcome the world." Talk about leadership by example! Not only does He save us, He has gone through it all before and promises to be with us every step of the way.

Reality Check

I think most people (including me) need a reality check once in a while. Here are some things that came to mind today.

1. God does not owe you anything. Why is it we some times go around complaining and feeling sorry for ourselves if things don't go the way we want. Read about the children on Israel after God brought them out of Egypt and you'll go, "What the.... ? These people are just too much!" Wake up and look around you and realise we're all the same, in fact, worse. After having the amazing plans of God revealed to us, we still whine and sulk if we don't get our way. AND, to top it all off, God actually wants what's best for us... Mind boggling...

2. No circumstance we're in gives us the right to sin. I don't know about you, but i have often found myself going, "Aaargh, who cares about doing what is right anymore? I'll just do what I want and what I like!" This most probably takes place when I've been put in a situation where I feel life is unfair and I'm not getting what I deserve. Reality check, we deserve hell. Refer to point 1. I believe if we just realise how powerful, awesome, frightening and holy God is, we'd be scurrying around being obedient little servants and appreciating every drop of grace that has been lavishly showered upon us. All this after cleaning up the mess we made from peeing in our pants...

What a patient, patient God we have... let's not dare abuse His love...

from long long ago 8

this song is dedicated to my baby brother, Kok Soo Vern (20 June, 1979 - 4 Feb, 1980)

The Friend I Could've Had

I didn't feel the sorrow,
Of what happened way back then;
For I was still too young to know,
That I had lost a precious friend.

But you could've been my companion,
You could've been my friend;
I could have been always there,
When you needed a helping hand.

But the ways of God are far too high
for us to understand;
So I never had this brother,
Who could've been my friend.

Though the time you spent around with us
was so very brief and short,
I still thank the Lord for all the joy
and happiness you brought.

And I'm happy for you, little friend
that it was the Lord's good plan,
To save you from the misery
of this painful, sinful land.

For the ways of God are far too high
for man to comprehend,
And I'm glad I had this brother once,
Who could've been my friend.

Don't have much memories of you,
But I still feel kinda sad,
Whenever I stop and think about
the friend I could've had.

- 18 Sep, 1998

from long long ago 7

what do i hope to gain
from this world of pain?
when all i ever needed
comes from you, o Lord.

what rainbow do [i] chase?
in some vain hope to trace
material treasures of a
temporal nature...

- also no idea when i wrote this... more than 5 years ago...

from long long ago 6

autumn wind

blowing...
fresh upon my face
through my hair
everywhere...

her fingers
gently
tugging on the leaves
like strings
of my heart
fluttering
floating
falling
whirling round and round...

she flows everywhere
no obstacles
filling every void
swirling in and out
teasing the tree tops
bring the showers
raining in my soul...

- sometime after cheryl...

from long long ago 5

mystic eyes are watching you
in the darkness of the night,
follow your every move
see right through your mind;

your home seems strange, no place to go,
you've got no place to hide;
the mask you wear for the world out there,
your fear and pain dont hide.

the thick black veil is blinding you,
like so many that have gone before
it's not your physic that cant see,
but the eyes of your soul.

it comes to you, a still small voice,
through the turmoil and the noise;
offering what you have been
looking for all your life.

so lift the veil, break down the ties
that bind you up in sin;
[surrender to that still small voice,
and let the peace begin]


- no idea when i wrote this, and it stops just before the last 2 lines....

from long long ago 4

was at the railway station this morning,
met a farsighted, shortsighted man;
said he had a longsighted, nearsighted daugther,
she never made any plans,
just lived her life for today;
don't know what tomorrow brings,
yeah, she don't care what tomorrow brings.

- have no idea when.
*shrugs* dont look at me, man... i have no idea what i was thinking at that time...

from long long ago 3

i need a woman
as delicate as
a spider web,
feelings
thoughts
flowing emotions
so fragile
yet so strong,
intricately woven

i need a woman
soft and gentle
her ways
but firm
her faith and trust;
secure
confident
in God's abundant
grace

i need a woman
who
sings away her
blues,
hope
in God's provision,
despairing not
praying constantly

i need a woman
to be there when
i'm sad or down,
support and strength
unseen
only felt and
known

i need a woman
someone to
impress
to tease
to please,
to laugh with

i need a woman
to know
familiar with her ways
her eyes
her mouth
her face,
her shoulders
posture
grace;
how clear and
loud
they speak
messages
without words

i need a woman
to hug
to kiss
embrace,
in times both
good and
bad,
together
always
in spirit
if not in
flesh

i need a woman
to confide in
my plans
my dreams
my hopes,
my thoughts
and hers
no longer mine
but ours

i need a woman
who needs me
the same i do of her,
not just to have and
hold
but to belong to;
that's why darling,
i need you.

- sometime after i met cheryl ;P

from long long ago 2

God's word on my lips, wherever i go,
'cos that's the only way, and it's gotta be so;
meditating in my [mind] both day and night,
keep it in [my] heart cos it's only right.

just like God said to joshua, "i will always be with you,
be strong and courageous, i will carry you through,
just be careful to obey the law, not to the left or to the right"
meditating on His word, everyday and everynight.

when troubles encompass me, press me in on every side;
when i really feel the pressure, seems like i've got [no] place else to hide;
all i do is turn my eyes and look to God above,
cos i know He's always [looking down in love].

- sometime 1995-2000

from long long ago...

so here we are clearing out our old house and i'm going through my drawer... and find a whole bunch of stuff written long long ago. Some are scribbled on parking tickets, others on the back of Bible study questions and envelopes. Many are unfinished (the reason why i do not rest now until i complete a piece), some have faded so i can only guess what the words say. So, in the next few posts, i'll be putting down stuff i wrote many years ago... here goes...

it's closing time, everybody's going home;
look around you... are you the only one
who's feeling all alone?
cashiers ring the last charge of the day;
people packing up, they're all going away.

dj's on the p.a. saying, "have a safe trip
home, hope that you'll be back again tomorrow"
shops close. the lights go out as
the last car pulls away.
close your eyes and try to
bring back memories of yesterday.

you were just a kid,
all you had to do was play;
why is it that now things have
turned out this way?

could it be something you did?
what was it you said?
are you the only one in pain
with zombies in your head?

the pangs of [hunger stab you like a]
switchblade in your side;
seems nothing compared to the
weariness of your soul.

the question comes again and again,
why me? where did i go wrong?
is there nothing that can
save me from this darkness
[all around?]

it holds you tight, it enters
you, from each and every side;
you cannot run, you cannot scream,
you've got no place to hide.

it rakes it's sharp and awful claws
into your tender skull;
your flesh gives fight alas in vain;
can hardly feel the pain.

crash of thunder, pound of drums,
your blood begins to boil;
the demons in your head tell you,
"your time is up, farewell".

fall on your knees before the darkness
consumes your soul; and say,
with one last final fleeting breath,
the prayer you meant to say
so very long ago.

- sometime between 1990-1998
what can i say? my memory sucks...

but the sun comes shining thru

don't close your eyes, it
won't stop the nagging feeling
you have deep down inside;
your problems won't go away
if you can't see them.

fairy tales and make believe,
don't take you from this mess
you've got yourself into;
sink or swim, you're going down;
no other way around.

you ventured too far
out on the limb this time;
and every wrong bears con-
sequences you have to face;
like it or not.

swallow the bitter
pill of life's mistakes,
and take a look around;
we all have a price to pay
for where we are today.

and when you think that
you've come to the end,
and hit the wall of brick;
blurry gaze and stoned dull mind;
there is still time to pray.

and the sun comes shining thru,
when all is lost, it's not...


- Jan 27, 06

you gotta let it show

sometimes i wonder,
how much i really mean to you;
(you say you love me)
but i see all your promises
lying broken on the floor;

[chorus]
if you love me
you've gotta let it show,
you've gotta let it show
best way to let me know,
cos words tell of intentions
that may be noble and true,
but if you truly love me
your deeds will let it show.

maybe you're really doing
the very best you can,
(i'll always try to justify)
i make up excuses for you
as often as i can;

people say that actions
speak much louder than words can,
(i'm straining my ears now baby)
no matter what your actions say
i will still hold your hand;

it hurts somewhere inside
whenever i think of you;
(i guess it must be love)
you give me so much joy
but pain and anguish too;

- Jan 25, 06

i ask myself

how could i have loved you?
could it have been the way you looked at me?
the soft sweet words you spoke,
the way you made me laugh,
and knew just when to hold my hand?

why did i give myself to you?
was it the way you made me feel
when you'd call and talk for hours?
or when you ran your fingers across my face,
and kiss my lips and hold me close?

how did i put my faith in you?
and tell myself that you're the one;
the one i'd search for all those years,
to share my life and build my dreams
around a future we would share.

why is it that now i find myself alone at night,
wishing someone were by my side?
someone i could love with all my heart,
and give my all and place my trust
in; someone who'd help me
pick up the pieces of my shattered life and
broken dreams;
someone to share a future with...

and then i ask myself,
what if that someone were...
just like you?


- jan 10, 06