Not in my power

Are you disturbed by something someone is doing? Or frustrated by somebody's attitude towards you? Or saddened by how another person is treating you? Let me share something that I have learnt...

Excerpt taken from my journal...

"I have to learn however, that I am in no position to control or dictate how others treat me. Even those closest to me. I can only really be responsible for my own actions and decisions. I can only commit these feelings to the Lord and trust that He knows and understands. And then leave it in His hands..."

Baby Brother

Just thought of my little brother again today...  Don't have much recollection of him except for a photo of me shirtless and grinning at the camera with him in the background... and another of me biting his foot...

I wonder what Pa and Mummy went through it and how they grieved over the loss... I wonder how long it took them to heal... I wonder how those around them reacted and/or supported them...

I wonder how things would be different if he were still around... I wonder what he would have been like and what we would be doing together, or not... Would he be taller than me? Fatter? Sportier? Nerdier? Goody two shoes or crazy? I guess I'll never know... I guess he'll always be my baby brother since he never had a chance to grow up... :|

Judge Dread

How easy it is for us to have strong opinions about people and things. How often we immediately voice our 'holier than thou' positions without even stopping to check other sides of a story or if what we heard was the truth. How dangerous it is for us to judge and form opinions on people and matters. 

Sometimes we may have very strong ideals about a certain issue without ever having experienced it or talked sincerely with people who have gone through such situations.

O may we not judge but seek to know and understand, and care in sincere love.

Eulogy

I'm at Betsy's dad's funeral now. Really touched by what she shared. I wonder what people will remember me for when I go. What legacy will I leave behind? How many lives would I have touched? Indeed we are but like vapor...

The dream vs reality

Here we stand, here we are

With all our wounds and battle scars

From all the storms and all the wars we’ve weathered alone

We had no way of knowing when

We started way back there and then

How the road would twist and turn and bend

We just thought we belonged with each other

And if it wasn’t for God’s mercy and His grace

There’s no way we would be standing in this place

But even though He has been faithful

Every step along the way

Here we are but not together

There'll be no climbing mountains ever

Since the hopes are dashed and so are plans

And if you won't reach out and hold my hand

We'll never watch miracles unfold forever

And never get to crawl on hands and knees

Through valleys cold and dark and deep

To prove that we were meant to live our lives together

And if it wasn’t for God’s mercy and His grace

There’s no way we would be standing in this place

But even though He has been faithful

Every step along the way

Here we are but not together

And if it wasn’t for God’s mercy and His grace

There’s no way we would be standing in this place

But because He has been faithful

Every step along the way

All I long for is for us to be together

I hurt therefore I am...

Heartache is a very real pain. I do not understand how the emotional can affect the physical in such a way. Nor do I have any scientific evidence to proof it. A tightening of the chest, you take a deep breath and hope it goes away but there is a dull ache just where you imagine your heart is...

spiritual coma...

... not dead, not quite alive either... i guess the warning signs have been blaring all along but one just gets caught up in living (or not) and doing... busy with this and that and it never really ends. does it?

"one doesn't live by feelings!" how often i have told myself that. And others too. But feelings are put there to so we know what's going on... how often i have argued that if i stop serving i would just drift and get lost... and that it is the service that is keeping me on my toes... failing to see that it is the connection to the Vine that feeds and nourishes us that keeps us alive and fruitful... plus, i don't know how detrimental serving on empty really is to the work... "what's going to happen? how will they manage?" We need to remember that it is the Lord's work and He has His plans. He has also called for His disciples to "come aside... and rest awhile"



... rest... in... peace... :)

turbulence...

The past four weeks have been challenging for me, to say the least... i have experienced new emotions and feelings that are definitely firsts... although i am glad the worse is over (or so i hope), i also do not want to ever forget the pain and hurt... because it is only through this that i will learn (hopefully) to love more the One who hurt for me and keep myself from hurting others, to cherish the love that i posses and to work at developing and nurturing it...
I guess there comes a time in life where one has to take a step back and re-evaluate things... a shifting of ideals and principles and learning to see what is really important... it's really strange how one can be just going on in life and busy with so many things that i feel that everything's ok... until the warning lights blink and you suddenly realise that things aren't right and you've been living in oblivion all along...
And it's going to take a long and purposeful process to right the wrong (if possible) and get things back on course but i'm sure by God's grace that things will be for the better and with His enabling it will be to His glory...
The support, prayer and encouragement extended by friends and family have been tremendous and my heart is grateful...

oh let me never, never, abuse such dying love...

the One who came to woo His bride,
and gave His life to make her right;
O, how His heart must hurt and bleed,
when she refuses, His will to heed.

How sweet when she declares her love,
in total submission to Him above;
And rests content in His embrace,
and basks in the sunshine of His gaze.

6.9.13

the only constant is change.

what makes me, me and what makes you, you? i mean, what is the essence of who we are? we recognise each other by how we look, but looks can change no? if tomorrow i get into an accident and get disfigured, i do not cease to be me, do i? the person inside is still the same right? if i lose a limb and can no longer walk the way i used to, i'm still me right? so, what we are externally doesn't define who we really are... what does then? our character? our ideologies? our beliefs? our principles? our likes and dislikes? the skills we have or don't? the more i consider this, the more i am convinced that i am nothing but the past and present... everything i am can change... for better or worse (but who defines that?) then i'll be what i am not, but that will be what i am then... 

what?!




...for better, for worse?

detour

I missed a turn on the way to work this morning. After shouting at myself for being an idiot, i resigned to the fact that i had to drive 14km to make a u-turn. Whatsapped my colleagues and pottered on in the trusty civic. Surely this mistake would have been more enjoyable in the alfa. Weather was overcast and cool so i decided to enjoy the ride. As soon as i got out of the highway, i realised i had missed the u-turn and waze told me i had to go another 2.5km to make another. I was in Putrajaya by then and further from office then when i had started off in the morning. Passing a few of the magnificent bridges in the distance, i marvelled at the beauty and grandeur and promised to come back for some photographs. I was enjoying the drive and the scenery inspired thoughtfulness and serenity. 

     Sometimes in life we take wrong turns, and have to bear the consequences but there are always lessons to grasp or beauty to be behold if we allow ourselves the opportunity. 

i am s.t.u.c.k

How Dare You?!

How dare you question the goodness of the infinite omniscient God? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all (Rom 8:32). And this Son, who was not spared, this Creator and Sustainer of the universe, who is all knowing, all powerful, all good. Stooped so low to save us from eternal damnation and continues to be our Shepherd, who only desires what is best for us. How can you question His goodness? What right have you to speak? Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct Him? Let Him who accuses God answer Him! (Job 40:2)

What suffering are you going through that you do not deserve? Are you the only one in the world who is suffering? Have you no blessings at all to count? Would you spit in the face of the One who loves you and gave Himself for you by being discontented after He has done everything to give you every spiritual blessing? (Eph 1:3). Will you be spoilt, rebellious and insolent? Questioning His all sufficient and perfect care? Don't you dare! Don't you ever dare!

Do things that come easy get taken for granted?

the answer would usually be a resounding, "Yes!"

you don't really need to look far for the answer... i'm sure you have one in mind before i start listing examples down...

whether it is spoilt brats with their expensive toys or grown ups who got things too easy, to children who don't have an interest in their parent's passions... it's quite natural for humans to take things for granted when they didn't have to work too hard for it...

which brings me to the point of my post... do i take salvation for granted? how about God's grace and mercy then? of course i know that our salvation came at a tremendous cost, and that cost is appreciated greater the more we know about the person and work of the Lord...

that point aside, how about 2nd generation christians? kids who grew up in bible believing homes, where the things of the Lord are taught from infancy... we've always had the answer, we've always known about faith, God and His plan of salvation, we've been trained in disciplines that make us who we are...

but did it come too easy for us that loving the Lord is harder? because we never had to search, or have a truly life changing, 180 degrees turn-a-bout...

and does the familiarity decrease the appetite for the Lord's things?

as you can see, the scope of this discussion is so wide and many facetted, which is why i blog so little... because i think of something, wish to put it to text, then find myself not really doing justice to the subject....

so there you have it... my unfinished, uncompleted, half-left-hanging thoughts... hope it may stir a useful thought in your mind tho...

He leadeth His own with a gentle hand

I found this entry in one of my many started-but-never-continued diaries. So much so that I don't even know what year it is...

25th Feb

Felt stressed over taking charge of Teen's Club. How do I fill Chee Ching's shoes?

Ex. 36:1 "to whom the Lord has given skill and ability to know how to carry out all the work"

It is only by God's grace and empowering. May I never boast or feel proud of myself.

I really have no idea which year this was. But it must have been many years ago, since I remember Ivan and Timothy were in Teen's. And now they're almost out of YP! How the Lord has in His grace guided us and supplied us the strength and wisdom to do the things He has given us to do! This comes as a very much needed reminder as I start 'worrying' about what the DRAMATIM will come up with for the July Youth outreach meeting. Thank you Lord!

DRAMATIM production

Here are the videos from our Easter Outreach presentation.

This one had to be edited in the end with the first performance clip as the camera didn't focus properly.

You can hear a glitch, cos i haven't learnt how to use the video editing software properly...

kreekree... kreekreee...

that's the sound of crickets chirping telling me it's time i updated this blog... :P

Pics from the garden

Here are some pics as promised. You'll be surprised the amount of interesting things you can find going on in the garden. First, here's a baby praying mantis... Saw him on this leaf and he's on the same leaf everyday. Will try and get a better pic with tripod and macro filter soon, before it grows up and moves on...

We also have wasps in the garden. Will try not to burn or get rid of it unless completely necessary ;)

First passion fruit from this new plant!

And the mango tree has flowered too, as mention in previous post. See the little baby mangoes! Have to find out if i need to wrap them up or just leave them to grow...

The ficus outside has been plagued with all manner of destructive pests. Often, it gets eaten botak, then grows new leaves again. We've seen so many types of leaf eating bugs, from space aged looking ones, to sticky slimy ones so much so that these one looks so 'normal' :)

Our pond has reached an 'equilibrium', according to Hans. There is moss, but the water is nice and clear. I feed the fishes everyday, so we'll see how big they grow... Actually, the fishes are just there to eat any mosquito larvae :)

Ho Hum

Ok. so. looking at my previous post, i can safely say that i have not done any of the things i set out to do. so what's new. anyway, we finally cancelled our astro, so there's one distraction less. the computers have also been a huge distraction, so no more bringing my macbook back during weekdays cos i will waste time on it. bloc's back from the vet and technically i have been spending more time with him cos i have to feed him meds twice a day. wait a minute, it was cheryl that i was supposed to spend more time with! hahahahaha... i have decided to get back to gardening too. i believe there was a reason why God created the perfect garden and put adam and eve in it, to till and enjoy it. there is so much you can learn about the Creator from His creation. our new passion fruit plant is flowering finally. i hope it will not grow too out of control like the previous one. definitely looking forward to passion fruits. also, the mango tree has been flowering but no signs of fruits yet. will post photos soon. saw a really small cute baby praying mantis on the passion fruit plant leaf today but couldn't capture it (on camera) cos i was already late. have been arriving at least half an hour early to work everyday and intend to visit dealers on a more organised, regular basis. dennis is no longer leaving for australia, so i don't have to look for new staff. i am also journaling the teens meetings weekly on another blog so as to help me remember what happened at the end of the year. we have had 4 new children this two weeks! oh, bella is getting seen to, and i hope to be able to drive her around a bit more soon. mei's time back seemed to fly by but the prospect of our going over in september is keeping things from looking glum. also, sue mei and khee guan are coming back in march with the kids! i promise more pictures in the next post... ;)

Update

Well, as Pei Ling pointed out in the comments to the last post, it IS time for an update... and probably the last post of the year. What has been happening recently? Well, besides being busy with the JIC choir, Mei is BACK! and I am typing this on my new macbook (company purchase, ok?). Had sleepover for my Teens class and also Overnighter for the Teens children (photos on Facebook). Boss came for a visit. And many more things I can't remember. So what would my resolutions for the new year be? I can think of a few.

1. Get back into a routine so I can spend proper time in prayer and Bible study.

2. Put my heart into my Chinese lessons.

3. Spend more time with Cheryl.

4. Take Bloc for a walk everyday.

5. Take time to plan.

Looks like they all have to do with proper time management. Cheryl got me a Moleskine planner, while Pei Ling gave me journal for Christmas. We have terminated our Astro subscription (effective 13th Jan because of 1 month notice). So, I really have no excuse for not spending time more wisely now. If only it were that easy. Anyway, with your prayers and encouragement and in the Lord's strength, I know it can be done. What about stuff planned for the new year? Evan's birthday party on 6th in Penang. The revival of the Singing and Drama team? More interesting programs for the Teens? All require planning wor....