Dad and Daughter

I sit alone at a kopitiam having my breakfast. Two tables away, a dad and his teenage daughter chat about the day ahead. I can't help but eavesdrop. "I'm gonna go pay first", she says. "Finish up your eggs. Don't waste, there's a little bit more, finish it!", Dad scolds. "There are bits of shell in there", she replies, but finishes it up in obedience. "No offense, pa, but when you cracked the eggs, the shell got in there". "Just today, that one egg, the shell was so thin", he explains. Daughter goes to the counter to pay and returns. Picks up her bag, adjusts her hair in the mirror on the wall and gives her dad a peck on the cheek as she says goodbye.
After she leaves, I feel like commending the man on bringing his kid up the way he did. And what a lovely relationship they have. Something that I will possibly never get to experience. But I refrain. I swallow the last mouthful of my kaya bun and sip my coffee. As tears well up in my eyes, a mother and her two young daughters walk in and occupy the table next to me.

Life changes

So much has happened since my last post. And my life has changed, forever. Things will never be the same again. Experiences in life make us who we are and some experiences cannot be undone. Love betrayed, love lost and watching my dad die from cancer. These things have changed me for life. Or at least I believe so, now. 

I do not wish to wallow in the past but the emotional trauma has left me cynical and unfeeling. Perhaps that prepared me better to deal with what I had to handle. And on nights like this, when I cannot sleep for memories of Pa wishing he could just die, I feel lost and insignificant. Sure, God has his purposes and I trust him completely. But I'm too weary to fight this battle at the moment. 

Free lunch

25 When they found him on the other side of the lake, they asked him, “Rabbi, when did you get here?”

26 Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, you are looking for me, not because you saw the signsI performed but because you ate the loaves and had your fill.

- John 6:25,26

The crowd went to Capernaum looking for the Lord Jesus. They searched for Him. But the Lord told them that they weren't looking for Him because they saw the signs He had done and believed that He was the messiah. Instead, they were looking for Him because they had eaten the 'free lunch' he had given them.

Do we seek for the Lord? Do we come to Him because we believe He is the Alpha and Omega, and fall at His feet in worship and adoration? Or is it simply because we want the salvation and blessings He has to offer? Maybe they do come hand in hand somewhat. But it is something that we may continually need to check ourselves about.

Falling in love?

 One never falls in love... What nonsense! The attraction we feel towards someone we have just met is merely that, attraction. Infatuation maybe but not love. 

Loving someone is a conscious decision we make. And so is not loving somebody else. The same way a suitor consciously 'goes after' someone he is attracted to, someone who is committed to his partner will consciously refrain from getting involved with a third party they may be attracted to. 

The question is, how does one 'fall out of love'? Since true love is about having the interest of the other paramount. Is there any provision to stop loving somebody? 

Poem

The things I used to stand for

Don't seem to matter anymore

Faith and hope too appear scarce

And human love somewhat a farce

Not in my power

Are you disturbed by something someone is doing? Or frustrated by somebody's attitude towards you? Or saddened by how another person is treating you? Let me share something that I have learnt...

Excerpt taken from my journal...

"I have to learn however, that I am in no position to control or dictate how others treat me. Even those closest to me. I can only really be responsible for my own actions and decisions. I can only commit these feelings to the Lord and trust that He knows and understands. And then leave it in His hands..."

Baby Brother

Just thought of my little brother again today...  Don't have much recollection of him except for a photo of me shirtless and grinning at the camera with him in the background... and another of me biting his foot...

I wonder what Pa and Mummy went through it and how they grieved over the loss... I wonder how long it took them to heal... I wonder how those around them reacted and/or supported them...

I wonder how things would be different if he were still around... I wonder what he would have been like and what we would be doing together, or not... Would he be taller than me? Fatter? Sportier? Nerdier? Goody two shoes or crazy? I guess I'll never know... I guess he'll always be my baby brother since he never had a chance to grow up... :|

Judge Dread

How easy it is for us to have strong opinions about people and things. How often we immediately voice our 'holier than thou' positions without even stopping to check other sides of a story or if what we heard was the truth. How dangerous it is for us to judge and form opinions on people and matters. 

Sometimes we may have very strong ideals about a certain issue without ever having experienced it or talked sincerely with people who have gone through such situations.

O may we not judge but seek to know and understand, and care in sincere love.

Eulogy

I'm at Betsy's dad's funeral now. Really touched by what she shared. I wonder what people will remember me for when I go. What legacy will I leave behind? How many lives would I have touched? Indeed we are but like vapor...

The dream vs reality

Here we stand, here we are

With all our wounds and battle scars

From all the storms and all the wars we’ve weathered alone

We had no way of knowing when

We started way back there and then

How the road would twist and turn and bend

We just thought we belonged with each other

And if it wasn’t for God’s mercy and His grace

There’s no way we would be standing in this place

But even though He has been faithful

Every step along the way

Here we are but not together

There'll be no climbing mountains ever

Since the hopes are dashed and so are plans

And if you won't reach out and hold my hand

We'll never watch miracles unfold forever

And never get to crawl on hands and knees

Through valleys cold and dark and deep

To prove that we were meant to live our lives together

And if it wasn’t for God’s mercy and His grace

There’s no way we would be standing in this place

But even though He has been faithful

Every step along the way

Here we are but not together

And if it wasn’t for God’s mercy and His grace

There’s no way we would be standing in this place

But because He has been faithful

Every step along the way

All I long for is for us to be together

I hurt therefore I am...

Heartache is a very real pain. I do not understand how the emotional can affect the physical in such a way. Nor do I have any scientific evidence to proof it. A tightening of the chest, you take a deep breath and hope it goes away but there is a dull ache just where you imagine your heart is...

spiritual coma...

... not dead, not quite alive either... i guess the warning signs have been blaring all along but one just gets caught up in living (or not) and doing... busy with this and that and it never really ends. does it?

"one doesn't live by feelings!" how often i have told myself that. And others too. But feelings are put there to so we know what's going on... how often i have argued that if i stop serving i would just drift and get lost... and that it is the service that is keeping me on my toes... failing to see that it is the connection to the Vine that feeds and nourishes us that keeps us alive and fruitful... plus, i don't know how detrimental serving on empty really is to the work... "what's going to happen? how will they manage?" We need to remember that it is the Lord's work and He has His plans. He has also called for His disciples to "come aside... and rest awhile"



... rest... in... peace... :)

turbulence...

The past four weeks have been challenging for me, to say the least... i have experienced new emotions and feelings that are definitely firsts... although i am glad the worse is over (or so i hope), i also do not want to ever forget the pain and hurt... because it is only through this that i will learn (hopefully) to love more the One who hurt for me and keep myself from hurting others, to cherish the love that i posses and to work at developing and nurturing it...
I guess there comes a time in life where one has to take a step back and re-evaluate things... a shifting of ideals and principles and learning to see what is really important... it's really strange how one can be just going on in life and busy with so many things that i feel that everything's ok... until the warning lights blink and you suddenly realise that things aren't right and you've been living in oblivion all along...
And it's going to take a long and purposeful process to right the wrong (if possible) and get things back on course but i'm sure by God's grace that things will be for the better and with His enabling it will be to His glory...
The support, prayer and encouragement extended by friends and family have been tremendous and my heart is grateful...

oh let me never, never, abuse such dying love...

the One who came to woo His bride,
and gave His life to make her right;
O, how His heart must hurt and bleed,
when she refuses, His will to heed.

How sweet when she declares her love,
in total submission to Him above;
And rests content in His embrace,
and basks in the sunshine of His gaze.

6.9.13

the only constant is change.

what makes me, me and what makes you, you? i mean, what is the essence of who we are? we recognise each other by how we look, but looks can change no? if tomorrow i get into an accident and get disfigured, i do not cease to be me, do i? the person inside is still the same right? if i lose a limb and can no longer walk the way i used to, i'm still me right? so, what we are externally doesn't define who we really are... what does then? our character? our ideologies? our beliefs? our principles? our likes and dislikes? the skills we have or don't? the more i consider this, the more i am convinced that i am nothing but the past and present... everything i am can change... for better or worse (but who defines that?) then i'll be what i am not, but that will be what i am then... 

what?!




...for better, for worse?

detour

I missed a turn on the way to work this morning. After shouting at myself for being an idiot, i resigned to the fact that i had to drive 14km to make a u-turn. Whatsapped my colleagues and pottered on in the trusty civic. Surely this mistake would have been more enjoyable in the alfa. Weather was overcast and cool so i decided to enjoy the ride. As soon as i got out of the highway, i realised i had missed the u-turn and waze told me i had to go another 2.5km to make another. I was in Putrajaya by then and further from office then when i had started off in the morning. Passing a few of the magnificent bridges in the distance, i marvelled at the beauty and grandeur and promised to come back for some photographs. I was enjoying the drive and the scenery inspired thoughtfulness and serenity. 

     Sometimes in life we take wrong turns, and have to bear the consequences but there are always lessons to grasp or beauty to be behold if we allow ourselves the opportunity. 

i am s.t.u.c.k

How Dare You?!

How dare you question the goodness of the infinite omniscient God? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all (Rom 8:32). And this Son, who was not spared, this Creator and Sustainer of the universe, who is all knowing, all powerful, all good. Stooped so low to save us from eternal damnation and continues to be our Shepherd, who only desires what is best for us. How can you question His goodness? What right have you to speak? Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct Him? Let Him who accuses God answer Him! (Job 40:2)

What suffering are you going through that you do not deserve? Are you the only one in the world who is suffering? Have you no blessings at all to count? Would you spit in the face of the One who loves you and gave Himself for you by being discontented after He has done everything to give you every spiritual blessing? (Eph 1:3). Will you be spoilt, rebellious and insolent? Questioning His all sufficient and perfect care? Don't you dare! Don't you ever dare!

Do things that come easy get taken for granted?

the answer would usually be a resounding, "Yes!"

you don't really need to look far for the answer... i'm sure you have one in mind before i start listing examples down...

whether it is spoilt brats with their expensive toys or grown ups who got things too easy, to children who don't have an interest in their parent's passions... it's quite natural for humans to take things for granted when they didn't have to work too hard for it...

which brings me to the point of my post... do i take salvation for granted? how about God's grace and mercy then? of course i know that our salvation came at a tremendous cost, and that cost is appreciated greater the more we know about the person and work of the Lord...

that point aside, how about 2nd generation christians? kids who grew up in bible believing homes, where the things of the Lord are taught from infancy... we've always had the answer, we've always known about faith, God and His plan of salvation, we've been trained in disciplines that make us who we are...

but did it come too easy for us that loving the Lord is harder? because we never had to search, or have a truly life changing, 180 degrees turn-a-bout...

and does the familiarity decrease the appetite for the Lord's things?

as you can see, the scope of this discussion is so wide and many facetted, which is why i blog so little... because i think of something, wish to put it to text, then find myself not really doing justice to the subject....

so there you have it... my unfinished, uncompleted, half-left-hanging thoughts... hope it may stir a useful thought in your mind tho...

He leadeth His own with a gentle hand

I found this entry in one of my many started-but-never-continued diaries. So much so that I don't even know what year it is...

25th Feb

Felt stressed over taking charge of Teen's Club. How do I fill Chee Ching's shoes?

Ex. 36:1 "to whom the Lord has given skill and ability to know how to carry out all the work"

It is only by God's grace and empowering. May I never boast or feel proud of myself.

I really have no idea which year this was. But it must have been many years ago, since I remember Ivan and Timothy were in Teen's. And now they're almost out of YP! How the Lord has in His grace guided us and supplied us the strength and wisdom to do the things He has given us to do! This comes as a very much needed reminder as I start 'worrying' about what the DRAMATIM will come up with for the July Youth outreach meeting. Thank you Lord!