Dad and Daughter

I sit alone at a kopitiam having my breakfast. Two tables away, a dad and his teenage daughter chat about the day ahead. I can't help but eavesdrop. "I'm gonna go pay first", she says. "Finish up your eggs. Don't waste, there's a little bit more, finish it!", Dad scolds. "There are bits of shell in there", she replies, but finishes it up in obedience. "No offense, pa, but when you cracked the eggs, the shell got in there". "Just today, that one egg, the shell was so thin", he explains. Daughter goes to the counter to pay and returns. Picks up her bag, adjusts her hair in the mirror on the wall and gives her dad a peck on the cheek as she says goodbye.
After she leaves, I feel like commending the man on bringing his kid up the way he did. And what a lovely relationship they have. Something that I will possibly never get to experience. But I refrain. I swallow the last mouthful of my kaya bun and sip my coffee. As tears well up in my eyes, a mother and her two young daughters walk in and occupy the table next to me.

Life changes

So much has happened since my last post. And my life has changed, forever. Things will never be the same again. Experiences in life make us who we are and some experiences cannot be undone. Love betrayed, love lost and watching my dad die from cancer. These things have changed me for life. Or at least I believe so, now. 

I do not wish to wallow in the past but the emotional trauma has left me cynical and unfeeling. Perhaps that prepared me better to deal with what I had to handle. And on nights like this, when I cannot sleep for memories of Pa wishing he could just die, I feel lost and insignificant. Sure, God has his purposes and I trust him completely. But I'm too weary to fight this battle at the moment. 

Free lunch

25 When they found him on the other side of the lake, they asked him, “Rabbi, when did you get here?”

26 Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, you are looking for me, not because you saw the signsI performed but because you ate the loaves and had your fill.

- John 6:25,26

The crowd went to Capernaum looking for the Lord Jesus. They searched for Him. But the Lord told them that they weren't looking for Him because they saw the signs He had done and believed that He was the messiah. Instead, they were looking for Him because they had eaten the 'free lunch' he had given them.

Do we seek for the Lord? Do we come to Him because we believe He is the Alpha and Omega, and fall at His feet in worship and adoration? Or is it simply because we want the salvation and blessings He has to offer? Maybe they do come hand in hand somewhat. But it is something that we may continually need to check ourselves about.

Falling in love?

 One never falls in love... What nonsense! The attraction we feel towards someone we have just met is merely that, attraction. Infatuation maybe but not love. 

Loving someone is a conscious decision we make. And so is not loving somebody else. The same way a suitor consciously 'goes after' someone he is attracted to, someone who is committed to his partner will consciously refrain from getting involved with a third party they may be attracted to. 

The question is, how does one 'fall out of love'? Since true love is about having the interest of the other paramount. Is there any provision to stop loving somebody? 

Poem

The things I used to stand for

Don't seem to matter anymore

Faith and hope too appear scarce

And human love somewhat a farce

Not in my power

Are you disturbed by something someone is doing? Or frustrated by somebody's attitude towards you? Or saddened by how another person is treating you? Let me share something that I have learnt...

Excerpt taken from my journal...

"I have to learn however, that I am in no position to control or dictate how others treat me. Even those closest to me. I can only really be responsible for my own actions and decisions. I can only commit these feelings to the Lord and trust that He knows and understands. And then leave it in His hands..."

Baby Brother

Just thought of my little brother again today...  Don't have much recollection of him except for a photo of me shirtless and grinning at the camera with him in the background... and another of me biting his foot...

I wonder what Pa and Mummy went through it and how they grieved over the loss... I wonder how long it took them to heal... I wonder how those around them reacted and/or supported them...

I wonder how things would be different if he were still around... I wonder what he would have been like and what we would be doing together, or not... Would he be taller than me? Fatter? Sportier? Nerdier? Goody two shoes or crazy? I guess I'll never know... I guess he'll always be my baby brother since he never had a chance to grow up... :|